Things I'm Not Good At (An occasional series)

1. Buttering bread. My secret shame. My Achilles' heel. I can't butter a piece of bread worth a piccadilly. A stoned chimp using a raccoon as a knife would mangle a slice of bread less than I do in the simple act of attempting to slather butter and butter substitute products upon one.
It is a technique I have never mastered, nor do I believe I ever shall. I must make myself content to eat my bread with butter as a pastiche of marbleized butter and bread segments, never evenly applied.

Thank goodness for toast.